I can't believe it's almost been a month since my last entry. Time flies when you have three jobs! I wish I didn't have to have a job so I could dedicate all of my energy towards writing. It is obvious I need the practice and experience. It has been a long time since I had the opportunity to write creatively. College was all about exposition and research. High school was the only time I really had assignments geared toward developing any kind of lyrical effort. Oh god, that was a few lifetimes ago.
I'm so far away from who I was back then, and yet I still have the same dream of those angry, naive years. of writing a book. A book of what? I didn't know then and I still have no clue. Ha. After all these years I am just as clueless. I was waiting until I was more knowledgeable and more skilled. Well, I know a little more, but I feel that I am less skilled at writing than I was back in my youth. Spelling? I use dictionary.com. Vocabulary? Still pretty limited. Mechanics? I forgot all of the nuances of grammar. Back then I had some friends and I was engaged in conversation from time to time, which I believe is a large part of good writing. It should feel like you are having a conversation with your reader. Well, nowadays I am either home alone or working, working, working. When I do have an opportunity to talk to people I usually don't get very far. I have terrible social skills. And as I get older, I get worse. If I tried to write anything I think it would sound...ugh, I can't even come up with a description of my feeble writing.
And then there is the problem of creativity. I used to be pretty creative, but it has evaporated along with my hope. Ah, reality sucks. It has been very difficult for me to cope with the realization that no matter how hard anyone tries, the chances of becoming everything they dream of are very slim, if not impossible. Except if one dreams of being just another prole. Yes, if one lowers their expectations it is easy to achieve goals.
Ew, this entry is so depressing. It serves as an exhibit, demonstrating why no one would enjoy reading my writing. I just keep rambling on and on about how I have no business writing even though I have the compulsion to write. It reminds me of those terrible auditions on American Idol. Those poor fools want to sing so badly, but it is obvious that they shouldn't..ever. I probably shouldn't write. But I have done a lot of things that I shouldn't have done. Not all of them wise, but none have hurt anyone. Okay, sometimes I did hurt some feelings, which explains partly why I don't have any friends to speak of, but nothing too traumatic. So, despite my lack of audience and writing ability I will write...as soon as I think of something stellar to write about. I wouldn't hold your breath tho.
I just realized, that as horrible as my high school years were, I was looking back at it with a bit of fondness. I suppose high school wasn't all that bad. It fostered a little bit of my writing capacity. Now, if I could find a way to do that again without the humiliation and terrible home life I would be getting somewhere.
No comments:
Post a Comment