Resurection

Something very weird happened to me Easter Sunday.  I volunteered to work because I had no plans for Easter.  About an hour after I started work I got lightheaded and everything started getting dark.  The next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor with my boss holding my hand and asking me if I could see him.  I was disoriented and very weak for a few minutes.  They wanted to call an ambulance, but I was with it enough to insist that they did not do such a thing because I do not have insurance.  I had some juice, took a little break and went back to work. 

Now that I reflect on this experience I find it to be a strange coincidence that this bizarre loss of consciousness happened to me on Easter.  I have no idea what happened for that brief moment between standing and waking on my back with a bad headache.  I could have been dead.  It was a scary but serene experience.  Everything just shut down and I experienced nothing for that tiny part of my life or unlife.  Sadly, this nothingness was not that much less than my typical day.  Such a comparison definitely puts things into perspective. 

I have been relatively healthy all my life.  I used to stay active and watch my diet...but I have gotten lazy from depression and exhaustion.  I eat the most convenient garbage available and I no longer exercise.  I take the elevator instead of the stairs and I lay around all day on my day off.  I am not getting any younger and these gross habits are bound to catch up with me eventually.  I could have keeled over and bit the dust yesterday..forever.

I won't lie, at times before this incident, I would fantasize about giving up; finding my son a new family and putting myself out of my misery.  No big loss to society.  But now I can see that life is very fragile and an incredible gift.  Even during my deepest bouts of self pity I was aware of many small things, a fleeting memory, the softness of my blanket, that I would miss if I were no more.  It's not much, but I appreciate it very much now. 

My goal is to become more productive.  I have spent a lot of time doing a whole lotta nothing.  Mostly because I don't think that I will do a very good job at anything.  Well, doing something is by far better than lying on the floor unconscious.  I will no longer be stopped by my inferiority complex.  I will start enjoying the little moments that I have to explore any hidden talents that I have not yet unearthed.  I have to be good at something. or at least not terrible. 

Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic about this incident.  I'm sure many people faint or blackout and are unshaken by it.  Perhaps if I was happier before this happened to me I would think nothing of it.  But since I have done nothing with myself for the past 5 years it hit me pretty hard.  If I believed in god I would think that he was trying to snap me out of my funk.  Well, it got my attention that's for sure. 

I still have a headache and I am pretty tired.  If this happens again, I may have something to worry about, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  I have things to start doing.