Writing: My constant, unattainable desire

I can't believe it's almost been a month since my last entry.  Time flies when you have three jobs!  I wish I didn't have to have a job so I could dedicate all of my energy towards writing.  It is obvious I need the practice and experience.  It has been a long time since I had the opportunity to write creatively.  College was all about exposition and research.  High school was the only time I really had assignments geared toward developing any kind of lyrical effort.  Oh god, that was a few lifetimes ago. 

I'm so far away from who I was back then, and yet I still have the same dream of those angry, naive years. of writing a book.  A book of what?  I didn't know then and I still have no clue.  Ha. After all these years I am just as clueless.  I was waiting until I was more knowledgeable and more skilled.  Well, I know a little more, but I feel that I am less skilled at writing than I was back in my youth.  Spelling?  I use dictionary.com.  Vocabulary?  Still pretty limited.  Mechanics?  I forgot all of the nuances of grammar.  Back then I had some friends and I was engaged in conversation from time to time, which I believe is a large part of good writing.  It should feel like you are having a conversation with your reader.  Well, nowadays I am either home alone or working, working, working.  When I do have an opportunity to talk to people I usually don't get very far.  I have terrible social skills.  And as I get older, I get worse.  If I tried to write anything I think it would sound...ugh, I can't even come up with a description of my feeble writing.

And then there is the problem of creativity.  I used to be pretty creative, but it has evaporated along with my hope.  Ah, reality sucks.  It has been very difficult for me to cope with the realization that no matter how hard anyone tries, the chances of becoming everything they dream of are very slim, if not impossible.  Except if one dreams of being just another prole.  Yes, if one lowers their expectations it is easy to achieve goals.

Ew, this entry is so depressing.  It serves as an exhibit, demonstrating why no one would enjoy reading my writing.  I just keep rambling on and on about how I have no business writing even though I have the compulsion to write.  It reminds me of those terrible auditions on American Idol.  Those poor fools want to sing so badly, but it is obvious that they shouldn't..ever.  I probably shouldn't write.  But I have done a lot of things that I shouldn't have done.  Not all of them wise, but none have hurt anyone.  Okay, sometimes I did hurt some feelings, which explains partly why I don't have any friends to speak of, but nothing too traumatic.  So, despite my lack of audience and writing ability I will write...as soon as I think of something stellar to write about.  I wouldn't hold your breath tho.

I just realized, that as horrible as my high school years were, I was looking back at it with a bit of fondness.  I suppose high school wasn't all that bad.  It fostered a little bit of my writing capacity.  Now, if I could find a way to do that again without the humiliation and terrible home life I would be getting somewhere.

Resurection

Something very weird happened to me Easter Sunday.  I volunteered to work because I had no plans for Easter.  About an hour after I started work I got lightheaded and everything started getting dark.  The next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor with my boss holding my hand and asking me if I could see him.  I was disoriented and very weak for a few minutes.  They wanted to call an ambulance, but I was with it enough to insist that they did not do such a thing because I do not have insurance.  I had some juice, took a little break and went back to work. 

Now that I reflect on this experience I find it to be a strange coincidence that this bizarre loss of consciousness happened to me on Easter.  I have no idea what happened for that brief moment between standing and waking on my back with a bad headache.  I could have been dead.  It was a scary but serene experience.  Everything just shut down and I experienced nothing for that tiny part of my life or unlife.  Sadly, this nothingness was not that much less than my typical day.  Such a comparison definitely puts things into perspective. 

I have been relatively healthy all my life.  I used to stay active and watch my diet...but I have gotten lazy from depression and exhaustion.  I eat the most convenient garbage available and I no longer exercise.  I take the elevator instead of the stairs and I lay around all day on my day off.  I am not getting any younger and these gross habits are bound to catch up with me eventually.  I could have keeled over and bit the dust yesterday..forever.

I won't lie, at times before this incident, I would fantasize about giving up; finding my son a new family and putting myself out of my misery.  No big loss to society.  But now I can see that life is very fragile and an incredible gift.  Even during my deepest bouts of self pity I was aware of many small things, a fleeting memory, the softness of my blanket, that I would miss if I were no more.  It's not much, but I appreciate it very much now. 

My goal is to become more productive.  I have spent a lot of time doing a whole lotta nothing.  Mostly because I don't think that I will do a very good job at anything.  Well, doing something is by far better than lying on the floor unconscious.  I will no longer be stopped by my inferiority complex.  I will start enjoying the little moments that I have to explore any hidden talents that I have not yet unearthed.  I have to be good at something. or at least not terrible. 

Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic about this incident.  I'm sure many people faint or blackout and are unshaken by it.  Perhaps if I was happier before this happened to me I would think nothing of it.  But since I have done nothing with myself for the past 5 years it hit me pretty hard.  If I believed in god I would think that he was trying to snap me out of my funk.  Well, it got my attention that's for sure. 

I still have a headache and I am pretty tired.  If this happens again, I may have something to worry about, but I'm not going to dwell on it.  I have things to start doing.