Encouragement

My fear that my writing and ideas aren't strong enough to begin writing something has been shown to be unfounded. boy was I mistaken...

My friend passed along 50 Shades of Grey to me.  She said that it was on all of the talk shows and it is selling like hot cakes.  Not being a fan of fiction, romance fiction at that, my curiosity got the best of me and I read the wretched pointless story.  egh.  it left me feeling had and annoyed.  The characters were clueless and monotonous.  The story was predictable and weak.  The sex was boring.  and the writing was terrible!!  But not all was lost on this pathetic book.  If such garbage can sell, then I can surely come up with something that others will enjoy.

I think I was over thinking it.  I thought that readers appreciated good stories and strong heroes and lyrical prose, when all they really want is smut.  I'm not saying that I am going to come up with senseless trash to write about, but now I realize that I can definitely write something good enough to spark some interest.  Time to get daydreaming ...

Thank you E.L. James, for lowering the bar.

Networking

Throughout the years I have become more and more isolated.  This is the result never really feeling understood and stubbornness and irritability.  All of which stem from my abandonment issues and a less than nurtured childhood.  Which has led to even stronger feelings of disdain for my weakness, in that I have not been able to overcome these childish issues so far into my adulthood.  These heavy and unpleasant feelings weigh down my spirit, crippling my confidence, causing me to withdrawal into myself.

Aside from my debilitating introversion, I have a hard time meeting people because I have yet to find people who are interested in the same things that I am.  This has a great deal to do with the fact that I have lived in a small town all my life.  For one thing, there aren't a lot of people to talk to and then, the people that are around are concerned with small town drama.  

Well, last fall I moved out of that small town environment.  I have moved to a bigger town.   It is a small town too, but it is growing rapidly and it is less than a half an hour from an exciting city that is modest in size but it is also growing.  The city is attracting young and smart professional people.  And it has an Occupy group.  I want to participate in this movement very much; I think it is what I have needed for a long time, but I do not know anyone who would go to the meetings with me.  

I have done a lot of things on my own, but I am a bit nervous about getting into this by myself.  It would be nice to have a friend go with me.  So, I have decided to put up an ad on Craigslist to find a politically savvy woman who is looking to get involved with the Occupy movement and would like to carpool with me.  This will be my first time on Craigslist.  I'm a bit worried but hopeful.  I have perused the local personal ads and it looks like there are some people who are looking to meet new people.  Let's see if any want to get radical..

Same old song

So I started this online journal thing.  I am mildly excited about it.  It could be cathartic.  I have wanted to write for a long time.  I tried writing much more when I was younger.  I threw a lot of things away that I thought were stupid but some things are still around.  Here is my last musing. I wrote it a few months ago shortly after I moved to PA.

I suppose it's not what you say, but how you say it.  I've always hesitated to write because I never felt like I had the authority to say anything because I've never done anything.  But the longer I go without writing the more unhappy I become.  All I've ever wanted to do was to write.  


I feel like I'm dying.  


How much time have I wasted doing nothing but doubting and wishing my entire adult life!  It is unbearable.  If I don't have what it takes to live it, the least I can do is write about it.  It is one step up from dreaming.  At least there is a manifestation of ink on paper - a materialization of thoughts.  No, it's not as good as living, but it's not being dead either.  I've been paralyzed for all this time, I might as well have been in a coma.
   
This initial writing exercise is like the flutter of an eyelid, the twitch of a finger after a long cold slumber.  It will take lots of time to get my voice.  And I may just have to admit that my writing sucks and I will never be witty or lyrical or even interesting, but it will keep me from dying.  Because if I can just imagine that there is someone that could read what I write and say "huh, this writer has something good to say." I would be happy.  So I will write to this imaginary critic...

...and then it trails off into illegible scratches as I fell asleep with this last thought.  that was the last time I felt like writing.  And here I am again trying it again..

Sex, Birds, and Procrastination

Well, I'm not getting any younger.. This is a brutal circumstance of life. I am on the annoyingly pathetic track to dying a slacker, loser, underachiever, etc, what-have-you. I spend a great deal of time dreading this fate, but I find myself stuck in the same behavior patterns that keep me from doing anything.

When I was younger I had so many dreams of accomplishing various things to justify my existence, but alas, I have accomplished absolutely nothing.  I have pissed away my days being consumed by meaningless activities or doing absolutely nothing.  It's disgusting.

I have spent several years fulfilling my sensual desires with the wrong people, none of whom could relate to my yearnings for greatness or at least goodness.  Just about everyone I meet is confused by my chronic self-loathing .  They say I'm pretty and smart and funny, so I should be happy. Well, I may be those things but I feel useless.

And when I'm not feeling sorry for myself and not getting it on with a tasty man, I get obsessed with retarded games.  Currently, I am playing Angry Birds morning noon and night.  But before that I was playing Tetris, Bejeweled, Spider Solitaire, and Big Kahuna Reef.  For two years I lived life through my Sim.  I feel sick to my stomach to think about all of the time that I have wasted.  I almost forgot, I would check my Facebook at least 2 times a day and notice a long lost friend or foe or ex and snoop through their profiles.  I would also spend time posting pics and random thoughts.

I am proud to say that I have deleted my Facebook.  Also, I have deleted my dating profile, which also took up a lot of my time.  And once I conquer Angry Birds I will be done with it forever.  I could be heading in the right direction...but perhaps this blog thing could turn into another giant waste of time.  We shall see.

Getting Started